24-year-old, Dwayne Rock, from Newport, Wales, has unfortunately been called into service by a local tribe whilst on holiday in New Zealand with his partner, Sarah.
According to Sarah, Dwayne was approached by one of the tribe’s elders, claiming that the tattoo on his shoulder meant that he held the rank of “douche” which loosely translates into English as “Squadron Leader”.
This ultimately meant that Dwayne was bound by tribal law into joining the ranks and to fight in a civil war between two neighbouring tribes, who had been arguing for decades over access to the local river.
Our travel reporter translated a quote given by one of the elders:
“The tattoo the young man had on his shoulder is only given to those who are deemed worthy of holding the rank of ‘douche’.”
“He proclaimed that he picked the design himself from a wall in a shop. However, This sounded unbelievable as the tribal markings are so intricate and clever in design that they would be almost impossible to replicate anywhere else in the world. Plus if you’re not part of a tribe, why would you have it?”
“I knew when he got it he was going to look a complete dick but I never thought it would cause this much bother! If he’s not sent back home soon I’m going straight back on tinder”
Dwayne is still being kept in New Zealand under tribal law but locals are hopeful the conflict will draw to a close in early 2026.
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